School’s started…

And it’s not going well.

Sad

Sometimes I cry at other people’s funerals. I play violin for a choir that only and always sings for funerals so I’m sorta setting myself up for depression aren’t I? Today Keets’ grandpa died and it pushed me harder to remember that 8 days from now a year ago papa died. Usually Keets is sorta mean and rude and really inconsiderate and disrespectful to me and happy and a suck up to other people so to see her break down only reminds me that no one can hide from crying forever.

And then I’m sitting here listening to my ipod and even though usually I’m always playing happy songs, it’s only Sadness and Sarrow (from Naruto, got it from Cuong) that connects to me.

 

Tears

Last night I began cleaning up my room and started with reorganizing clothes. I found some dresses I used to wear as a kid and so I sat down in my closet and cried, only briefly mind you, for a past long lost and a future sure to be unfortunate.

Events to look forward to

But not make a big deal out of because if I do it’ll turn out badly:

First Day of Sale in Maryland tomorrow and spending the weekend with Auntie, Keets, and Rebekah

Going to Bethany Beach in Delaware for July 4th weekend with Auntie, Keets, Rebekah, and Beth

New York with Co Phuc and Co Hanh? Not exactly sure about this. At first Mother said that I am to not go, even though she never told Co Phuc and Co Hanh that so they think I’m for sure going. That’s problem 1. Number 2 is that they are thinking of going on July 4th weekend; I’ll be at the beach. But they know that, they found out a few days ago, and so they told me not to worry about it because they can just reschedule. But at first I thought, well that solves it, I’m not really allowed to go so if they go on July 4th then I have a good excuse not to go. But if they postpone then I’ll have to think of something else. But then again, Mother’s the one who doesn’t want me to go, I want to go! I think Co Phuc and Co Hanh might ask all three of us to go, that’d be fun. Brother can hold my bags and hopefully Mother’ll be distracted by her friends so she wouldn’t bother us. Mother doesn’t really have a good excuse for me not to go, her thing was that she didn’t want Co Phuc and Co Hanh to spend money on me and shizz. Yea stupid whatever. She’s just lame.

I don’t want this to be a rant but…she got into a car accident last, last monday because she’s stupid, and she’s been home since then and she’s still home now and it’s driving me crazy! She has to go back to work soon or else Brother and I will just have to kill ourselves! I’m getting away tomorrow but Brother’ll have to put up with it for the weekend. O well, hopefully she’s going back to work next Monday and we won’t have to do anything drastic…like jumping off the balcony good f*ckin lord!

K yea…o of course there are the little shopping trips and the little outings here and there to look forward to. Otherwise…I think that’s it…

O wait…I think we’re also going to the beach with Kevin’s family but not sure when.

S’All then!

Now what?

I have been putting this off for the longest time. I actually made this post on May 19th but just never got around to writing it. I guess I really wanted to write this post because there seemed to be a lot going on and I needed to get it all organized. Now though, that I’m sitting down actually typing, it doesn’t feel like too much.

Well, I’m currently at work, and that’s been going well. Keets has come back for the summer and a new girl, Rebekah, will start work on Monday. I’ll get to meet her tomorrow though at the First Day of Sale event in Maryland. I’m not sure how I feel about another new girl but we’ll see.

The youth group Companion levels are either on their way or at their conference in Missouri. I decided not to go because of some trouble with them and some lying and drama, and Brother has decided it’s not worth it to go anyway. I agree. I guess for the rest of this week if I’m ever just sitting there and doing nothing, I might think about how it might’ve been fun if I’d gone but otherwise, hopefully I won’t think about it much.

Dance practice restarts the week after July 4th, unless the Kings Dominion trip is then and we’d just have to postpone. And then there’s a weekend where they have camp. So we had…about 7 or 8 weeks to practice the two new songs. Now, however, we have at most either 5 or 6 practices so of course, I’ll be making them work their butts off. I guess I should work my butt off at the choreography so that I’ll be justified in making them work hard.

I don’t know if I’m going to get my Assistant Leader scarf in youth group or not. At first the main leader told me I’d get mine before the other trainees because the other trainees were going to the Conference in Missouri as Companions so they’d get their Leader scarf after they came back. I’d get mine at the troop’s anniversary since I’m not going to the Conference. Then apparently the trainer got pissed off because she insisted that she trained all of us really hard so we should all get the scarves. We were going to ALL get the scarves, I was just going to get mine before the others. Then she made a big deal about how it’s not fair for the main leader to make her do the ceremony twice. But thing is, she never really did any training. The only real training we had was at the sleepover, and other people were doing the training. She just organized and watched. Now the deal is that they’ll give us the scarves at camp. But from what I’ve heard, camp is for the Blue scarves only this year, meaning we, the Yellows who are leaders in training, would have to go to a Blue scarf camp and help them out but not be able to participate, and then get our Leader scarves amongst people we don’t really know, without family and friends to cheer us on? I thought that we would be going to a Blue/Yellow scarf camp and get to participate in camp one last time and then move up, but I guess they don’t think the same. And it’s pointless to bring this to the main leader because his term has already ended. He’s still the Yellow scarf leader but not the main leader and he insists on not caring. He keeps telling me to go talk to the new main leader but technically, his term doesn’t start until August. So they have all these activities and decisions to make during the summer and no one to supervise. Well, maybe there are people to supervise but no one to make official decisions so we’re always left in the dark. So I was thinking, I wasn’t even going to go to the camp. So what if they don’t give me my scarf then? They’d have to give it to me later anyway, and they’d end up doing the ceremony twice anyway! And they can’t kick me out, right? At least I don’t think they can, they’d have to give me my leader scarf sooner or later. This isn’t like school, we all come of our own free will (supposedly), so there’s nothing they can really do to us. I found that out a long time ago.

Now though, the last time I had off hand convos with the ex-main leader, he said that it looks like the camp might just be for Blue and Yellow but you know what?? My aunt’s wedding, we found out a few days ago, is that weekend so Brother and I won’t be going to camp anyway! YAY! Haha! Ah well, that solves that I guess. Yea it’s sort of lame ranting about it now that the problem is done and over with. Isn’t it more exciting to read about stuff as the problems come up so there’s…and I’ve forgotten the damned word.

Erm…I’ve been spending money so frivolously nowadays. But no more. So far for the rest of the summer all I need to buy is: a camera chord…some jewelry making stuff…clothes. That is all! No more spending! During the first year that I worked I used to always have money in the bank and stuff. I used to be able to eat at real restaurants and not worry about the money. Now I’m poor as hell and am worrying even when I go to the cafe next door! I don’t want to be like that! So I’m going to try harder to save money and shizz. I also need to send out more scholarship apps. The scholarships I got last year were renewed but there’s a new policy on the renewals that you can’t get them back as spending money soooooo yea. Phooey.

I guess…that’s sort of it…Wasn’t that long or intense at all. I’ll try to post more stuff this summer as I have time. I think I also have to do more entertainment reviews and stuff. Maybe I’ll start with an anime or two and then a few horror movies here and there. Yay!

Laterz!

In space..

Summer is late, my heart.
Words plucked out of the air
some forty years ago
when I was wild with love
and torn almost in two
scatter like leaves this night
of whistling wind and rain.
It is my heart that’s late,
it is my song that’s flown.
Outdoors all afternoon
under a gunmetal sky
staking my garden down,
I kneeled to the crickets trilling
underfoot as if about
to burst from their crusty shells;
and like a child again
marveled to hear so clear
and brave a music pour
from such a small machine.
What makes the engine go?
Desire, desire, desire.
The longing for the dance
stirs in the buried life.
One season only,
and it’s done.
So let the battered old willow
thrash against the window
panes
and the house timbers creak.
Darling, do you remember
the man you married?
Touch me, remind me who I am.

(touch me – stanley kunitz)

People I Dislike

So the other day Cuong had his Honor Roll Breakfast for third quarter. I stayed up really late to study because it was still finals time (so this was three weeks ago I guess) and woke up about 15 minutes before the breakfast was to start. I threw on clothes, jumped in my car, and sped over to Cuong’s school. Of course there was no parking so I had to park on the side of the school’s sport field. As we were getting food, cousin Ny comes over with a bowl of fruit and asks me what this breakfast is really for and we explain it to him. At first we thought he was lost or confused or something but then we found out that he made A/B Honor Roll and was therefore invited to the breakfast. None of his family came so he sat with us. I took pictures for him and such (which I should develop soon maybe) and everything went fine. He didn’t seem to eat much but then again we didn’t know him as a big eater. So later on during the morning Mother asked cousin Ny where his family was and he tells her that his mother is at work and his father is at home. We asked why his father didn’t come over with him but I can’t remember his answer. We then just assumed that seeing as how at the beginning of the breakfast cousin Ny had come over to me unsure of what the breakfast was exactly, his father also didn’t know what it was and that was why he wasn’t there.

After the breakfast Mother takes Ny’s certificate from him so she can take it over to his house (I guess so he doesn’t lose it? She always took mine and Cuong’s away after our breakfasts but w.e.). When she gets home I find out that Ny’s father was actually at work but guess who was home? Everyone else. His older brother and sister, his aunts, uncle. Now OK, at first I thought, his own family didn’t come because they might not have know what the breakfast was, but then I find out that 5th Aunt had fully explained what it was to them. They knew what it was and yet they didn’t come. His parents had to work, fine, but what about his older brother and sister? They don’t have any liberty in that house so I doubt they were tired from staying out late, and they’re definitely not currently in school so they weren’t up late studying or anything. The house is right next to the school. Literally, one looks out the windows of the cafeteria and there is their house, just a few feet away. 5th Aunt told Mother that she’d already taken cousin Ny out to eat as a congratulations but taking him out for a meal is different than coming to his Honors breakfast. The odd thing is that Great-Aunt’s family hasn’t before and possibly will not ever get another chance to attend an Honors breakfast. At the rate that my other cousins are going I doubt any of my aunts or Great-Aunt will have another chance to go to an Honors breakfast and yet they don’t bother doing to cousin Ny’s. I know that when cousin Ny and his family came over last year the assumption was that he wouldn’t amount to anything educationally because he just attached himself to cousin Darren’s games. That, however, should make my Great-Aunt’s family even more excited to go to cousin Ny’s Honor Roll breakfast, one would think. I also know that cousin Ny’s immediate family is not getting along well with Great-Aunt and the rest of the family but cousin Ny didn’t have any part in that. He’s only a 6th grader! And finally, I guess the most fault should be that of cousin Ny’s older brother and sister. Come on! They live half a minute away from the school! They could have woken up 5 minutes before the event started and gotten ready and made it there in time and looked nice! Instead of me speeding there and looking like a complete mess with my eyes half closed.

I usually don’t bother with things happening over at Great-Aunt’s house but I hate that all the stuff that’s happening is negatively affecting the children. I really dislike ignorant, stupid people and a branch of that would be ignorant, uncaring people. It’s possible that this is spurred by the fact that I’ve had to take care of old people as well as young children all my life and still do. Whatever it is, my blood just boils when I see old people or young kids being mistreated. Of course sometimes the young kids deserve it, and maybe once every now and then the old people might’ve done something to deserve it too, probably in their youth. But in their old age does that really matter so much for them to be ill-treated?

 

Now I don’t necessarily like old people or young kids. I don’t like talking to or taking care of them but I don’t feel that that is any excuse to treat them wrongly. I really got angry when cousin Ny was being neglected by his siblings and his aunts and uncles just because the aunts and uncles dislike cousin Ny’s parents. I have no excuse for his older siblings aside from that they’re lazy.

I know that they’re all somewhat nice, kind people over there, maybe. But the negligence really ticks me off. Cousin Ny might or might not be one of those kids who is motivated to do well for himself. He made the Honor Roll by himself, I know that much. Aunts and Uncle are completely devoted to making sure cousin Darren and new cousin Albert has enough things to play with. If they love those two so much and yet still ignore those two’s education then they definitely are not helping cousin Ny with his schooling. His parents don’t know English, his brother and parents are still taking ESL courses and his sister told me she only knows enough to have simple conversations. I’m proud of cousin Ny even if his family isn’t and I hope he can ignore their negligence and become successful on his own.

I guess the point of this was that I really dislike ignorant, negligent, stupid people. It’s fine to dislike responsibility or dislike dealing with certain people but that’s completely personal preference. Distaste for something or someone should not mean illtreating others that don’t deserve it.

I’m going to try my best to figure out how to print photos off my printer because I think cousin Ny deserves some nice memories of his Honor Roll breakfast. It made me sad to see him down the whole time. He’s confused enough being a kid who just came from VN in November, it sucks that he has no one supporting him when he’s doing so well.

I finished!!!

YES!!! I have officially finished with all of my finals. I just finished the one for HNRS 122 and I must say…it’s not bad at all. Reed helped me a lot in explicating and got me started on the first paper for 122. Then I finished that paper and did the second paper all by myself! Yay! And this time I wasn’t ashamed to re-read the work. WAIII!!! Teehee. I’m excited! I’m not sure if she’ll like the format or anything but I don’t care all that much. I wrote a “Krauth” paper and I’m happy about it. Now I’m in the mood to write some more close analysis papers but there’s nothing to write about. Haha.

I’m just glad finals are over. I took the final for French yesteryday, wasn’t too bad. I think I got the grammar mostly right. I did forget how to conjugate the subjunctive for a little bit so went with my gut. Then after the test I looked it up and I was right. Yay! And the reading comprehension wasn’t that hard. And the writing was OK too I think. I did another compte-rendu on yet another anime. Haha. The prof must think I really like animes…I’ve actually only finished two, I just happened to really like those two.

Music went alright. I didn’t study for it as much as I wanted to. I ended up going over all the old tests and thank goodness too. A lot of the multiple choice questions were repeats from the last tests. I got most of the composer stuff right. It’s not a perfect…probably won’t even be close…but hopefully it’s enough to get me a C in the class.

Conceptions of Self…well…Reed came over and helped me with the majority of it. Then I finished it on my own. I don’t know how it’ll be.

Anyway, I don’t care. I’m just really proud of my Reading the Arts final papers. I haven’t written a “Krauth” paper since…possibly the beginning of 12th grade…and it made me feel really, really good to write one this time. Haha. Yea.

Erm…what else? O right! I am officially now a college sophomore…O yeaaa! I am also officially a Global Affairs Major (Asia and Environment Concentrations), French Minor, and Asia Pacific Studies Minor. I realized through various events that I just do not want to put up with the Mason music department. I’m registered for 19 credits this semester which is one over the max but it’s ok. The dean let me have 20 but I don’t really want to go look for a 1 credit class. So yea. Haha, feels good to be all registered and everything. But now I need to go do all those scholarship apps. and stuff.

Whew…so now I’m nervous about my grades. I don’t think it should be so bad. O well! Nothing I can do about it now! I was a lot more nervous last semester…I just gave up. I took the finals or did the papers with the lowest amount of effort ever imagined. But this time I studied really hard and worked really hard. I tried my best on all my written exams as well as my papers so, now whatever happens, happens, I guess. : )

Note to Self

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever buy an eBook. 

The End. 

Overview of the Semester and Finals

One down, four to go. 

I managed to finish my Globalization 101 Final Paper today. The thing with this class is that it’s relatively easy. I don’t pay attention in class or anything but the material is easy. The readings are easily understood and the class itself, although boring, is a given to me. The paper was really easy to write overall. The only problem I had was that the topic question was really general and I had so much to write about. I’ve had three papers due before the final and for all of them, I start off being really nervous but then as I write I realize that I have a lot to say. The teacher for this class is awful nice and so I’m not nervous. I’m doing well grade-wise and I need a…26/30 on my final paper to get an A in this class. I would be doing better if I had known what the countries in Africa were. O well! I feel somewhat confident about my paper. I started pretty well but rushed at the end because I was running out of time and still had so much to say. I’m just glad I finished it. 

FRENCH 309: I’m going to miss this class. The teacher is way cool. He goes on tangents a lot and sometimes it seems random but we all learn a lot. He told us he’s going to move to California next year or something. That sucks, I was hoping he would be teaching another course here that I could take. Maybe he’ll get a job at Berkeley or something and I can take his course there when I’m there for grad school! Even though my masters’ll be in East Asia Studies. Ah well, wishful thinking. Anyway, finals wise, we have a test. I don’t think it should be too bad. The teach said that he’ll send out a list of what we need to study. I’ll be going through the book and making a final run-through of all the vocab and grammar anyway so yea. Grades-wise, I don’t think I’m doing too bad. I’ve been doing OK with all my writing assignments. My quizzes suck but they’re not THAT bad. Well…yea let’s just leave it at that. So I might be getting an A in this class. I’m going to really try hard and get a perfect, OK almost perfect, on the final exam. Yay!

HONORS 130: Ermm…yea…I’m just happy that she cancelled class today and our last class ended up being last Wednesday. I just really, really disliked the class. It was like…a philosophy class. I guess, I don’t really know how to categorize it. But anyway, some of the readings were interesting enough, when I understood them. Even when I didn’t understood the readings right away, I knew that the stuff she talked about in class had nothing to do with the readings. How do I know? Because I had to reread a majority of them for the papers I had to write in her class. She introduced a lot of interesting overarching ideas but she never went into them or linked them to our class (Conceptions of Self). Ok, “othering,” a very interesting concept…and? Our final is a 10-12 page paper on a topic of our choice. I think I’m going to write about othering and how it is a two way street. Those who other others (ha!) are also othered by those others (double ha!). WHAT? Yea I don’t know. It sounds good in my head! Doesn’t everything? Grades – A low A? Maybe? If I’m lucky. 

MUSIC 101: Yea…Ok…I’m totally getting a C in this class. Or maybe a B- if the man upstairs likes me enough. The final is a huge test. I’ll have to get a perfect, give or take 10 points, to get a B. Ok well, I’ll be OK I think with a C. I can’t get a C- because then I wouldn’t be able to get the course overload request approved for next semester. Man I really disliked this class. I want to play! PLAY MUSIC! Not hear boring history lectures about it. The teacher was absolutely…ahhh! He was the complete opposite of my french professor. He was just…boring. The french teacher was funny, on purpose or not I don’t know, but he was funny, in a smart way. The music teacher tried to be funny so much that it was annoying! He wasn’t “smart” funny at all! He was like…for lack of a better word…pathetic funny. And I’m NOT trying to be mean.

And finally…

Honors 122: Ahh this class…I have no idea what the teacher wants from me. She constantly gives me B’s because of my grammar. She has no problem with my points, she either agrees with them or elaborates on them with her own ideas but she’s never in disagreement with my points. Even so, I always get the same grade as my friend’s boyfriend who she is always in disagreement with points-wise. He never backs up his points and he never gets support from the text. I know what it’s a poetry/arts class, therefore writing is important, it’s important for all classes. But I mean, the paper is also a close-analysis of a poem, you would think the analysis itself had some larger affect than the grammar. I’m not trying to justify my bad grammar, or what she says is bad grammar, but I don’t understand how she can give me the same grade as someone who blatantly BS’s (excuse my language) points with no textual evidence. And also, my last paper got the exact same grade as all my previous papers (a B-) even though her comments to me were something along the lines of good improvement. WHAT? I improved and yet I get the exact same grade as the papers in which I sucked?? Seriously?? I feel dumber after this class in terms of literary analysis. I want to write “Krauth” papers but I haven’t been able to. Her prewriting assignments are to paraphrase every line in a poem. Yes, paraphrase, not analyze. So my second prewrite was on “Smoke” and the first line was “Can you imagine the air filled with smoke?” or something like that. For the prewrite I had to write something like…”The narrator asks the listener if he can imagine the air filled with smoke” but what I wanted to write was something like “The speaker asks the listener to imagine a time when the city was filled with smoke, implying through the use of imagination that a city with air filled with smoke is somewhat of a fantasy, something unreal and nonexistent.” But I couldn’t write that because the assignment wasn’t to analyze. And for some reason I always pick long poems and so I just spend two hours wasted on paraphrasing poems. For the last assignment which was a second close reading analysis, I wrote a “Krauth” paper. Or attempted to. Compared to my papers on Raskolnikov or Gregor or whomever, it really sucked. We have a final that is basically three prewrites and two papers that are either as long as or longer than our previous close writing papers, but whereas those previous prewrites were 5% of our grade and the actual papers 10%, the three prewrites and two close analysis that make up our final are only 10% of our grade. Not each, all of them, together. I don’t understand. Whatever. Obviously I’m going to try my best. Since the exam is take-home I’ll have more time to figure it out. If I get a really, really good grade on this, which will be hard, I might get a low A. Fingers crossed!

Yea so…the only class I’ll be missing is French. Lolz. I’ll miss the class overall. Everyone in there were really nice. The teacher is totally cool too. I hope he gets a nice teaching job in California, preferably at Berkeley because I hope to be there in four years! I guess the teacher from Global Affairs 101 was nice too. She wasn’t that exciting, not like the french guy so I won’t be missing her. And my other classes, thank goodness they’re over. 

I don’t want this post to be so long since it is about school. EWWW!

Is all then I guess. I’ll be spending the rest of the week until next Monday studying and writing so I probably won’t be back anytime soon. UNTIL THEN!

Dratz I still have to start choreography for that new song. AHHH wa…Phooey.